Sexual compatibility is a core pillar for many pursuing long-term relationships. That’s why Netflix’s “Too Hot To Handle,” a reality show where singles are sent on a retreat and are challenged to make a romantic connection without participating in sexual activity, has become a morbid fascination for those of us who can’t imagine forming a lasting connection without also exploring the physical chemistry.
The latest cast of horny singles were under the impression they’d signed up for a show called “Wild Love,” and were shocked to discover the only “wild” challenge was remaining celibate for the summer. With the remaining four episodes of the season streaming on December 14, it has us wondering: how important is sex when we’re exploring a relationship with someone new?
“There is no one-size-fits-all answer to this,” Zachary Zane, sex expert, LGBTQ+ activist and ambassador of sexual wellness brand Love Honey, tells POPSUGAR. “Different people have different relationships with sex and intimacy. For some, sex is needed earlier in the relationship. It’s the initial glue that holds the relationship together, and you can build and connect deeper with one another through sex.”
However, some – “especially those who lose interest immediately after having sex” – may benefit from waiting and getting to know the person better before getting sexually intimate. “Once they have an emotional connection established, it’s less likely they’ll lose interest after sex,” he says. “So it really depends on the person.”
POPSUGAR spoke with Zane about the individuality of intimacy, how to initiate physical affection if intercourse is off the table, and the detriment of assuming a “one-size-fits-all” approach to a new relationship.
Is Sexual Compatibility a Crucial Element of a Romantic Relationship?
Often we’re told via media that sex is “the most important thing” for a sustained relationship. But in reality, it really depends on the individual. “For many folks, sexual compatibility and having a lot of sex is an important factor in the relationship,” Zane says. However, this often fades as we grow older. Libido tends to dip as we age and therefore sex becomes less important for many. So it’s necessary to have a relationship that’s about more than just sex, Zane says. “You have to be able to grow and learn from each other. You have to enjoy talking to each other. You have to support each other and enjoy doing activities together.” Still, that doesn’t take away from the fact that, at least in the beginning, most people want or need to have an active and pleasurable sex life.
But again, this preference really comes back to the individuals who make up the relationship. “There are also folks where sex isn’t that ‘glue’ that holds their relationship together,” Zane says. This is particularly true for asexual folks. (Demisexuals may still prioritize a sexual connection, it just happens to be once they trust and have an emotional/romantic connection first.) “That’s totally okay, too! The issue arises when you’re mismatched,” Zane says. For example, if one person expresses intimacy through sex, whereas the other shows intimacy through long heartfelt conversations, you’re going to run into issues. You want to find someone who has a similar relationship with sex and intimacy as you do.
How Do You Know If You’re Sexually Compatible?
Sexually compatibility often comes (no pun intended) side by side with communication skills. “There’s this idea that without communicating your desires and boundaries with a partner, they’ll magically know everything you love, and the first time you have sex, it’ll be earth-shattering,” Zane says. “Sometimes, that is indeed the case, but often it takes a few times of having sex, where you tell your partner what you like sexually before the sex is ‘great.'” And remember, sexual compatibility can develop as a relationship progresses. “You can absolutely grow with a partner. It can get better over time, but only if you communicate and are honest about your desires and turn-offs,” Zane says.
When it comes to kinks and fetishes with a new partner, it’s best to have the conversation outside of the bedroom first. “When you’re not about to have sex, you can ask your partner if they’d be open to trying new things in the bedroom,” Zane suggests. “Then ask them about their fantasies and desires. See if there’s anything they’d like to try. Then you can share what it is that you’re into.”
And as tempting as it is to preface your kinks with warnings try to approach it directly. If you present your kink as being “crazy” or “perverted,” your partner will treat you like that. “Just confidently say what you’d like to try and what you’re into. And if they’re not into it, don’t feel rejected. Don’t try to change their mind. Gracefully accept their boundary and try to find a middle ground of something you’d both be interested in exploring,” Zane says.
If Sex is Off the Table, What Are Other Ways to be Intimate?
In the latest season of “Too Hot to Handle,” one of the contestants, Briton, struggles in her new situationship with James as he seems to be withholding his affection now that sexual behavior is strictly prohibited. But there are alternative ways to be intimate.
“Physical touch doesn’t have to be sexual,” Zane says. “Of course, it can lead to sex, but it doesn’t have to. Holding hands and cuddling are two great examples of ways to be physically intimate with one another in a way that isn’t sexual. Giving or receiving a massage is also another way to be physically intimate without being sexual.” So no excuses, James! That girl deserves a hug or two or three.