IF Rebekah Vardy’s agent wanted a believable place to lose her phone, she could have done a lot better than the North Sea.
She should have said it was on the Oziris ride at Parc Asterix.
SYLVAIN_CAMBONParc Asterix is just 25 miles north of Paris[/caption]
New to the park is the terrifyingly vertical Toutatis
That’s where I lost mine.
Somewhere between the second or third loop I think, when all you can see is your feet dangling beneath you, contrasting with a cloudless blue sky.
And there it lies to this day, a landmark, probably, for local pigeons to peck at.
I had a feeling something would go wrong — everything was going just a bit too well.
Parc Asterix, 25 miles north of Paris, is the perfect-sized theme park, with enough rides for everyone — from tiny tots to teens and even their jaded parents.
It’s dedicated to the enduringly popular French cartoon character, Asterix the Gaul, and explores French history with a dollop of Gallic humour.
There’s a new zone and a new coaster this summer too — the terrifyingly vertical Toutatis.
I’ve been telling my kids they are too old for theme parks for ages; probably since they were about ten.
They’re 15 now, so you can imagine how well that’s going.
But look on the bright side: You don’t have to cross the Atlantic for white-knuckle thrills.
That’s a few grand saved, so for a treat, book a night at one of the on-site hotels.
The 4H Quais de Lutece is the pick of the bunch; a brilliant recreation of Roman Paris, minus the violence and smell of latrines.
Actually, the smell is the first thing that hits you.
Richly scented pine cladding that instantly clears your sinuses.
Next, get a Filotomatix pass.
This is a fast-track app that allows you to skip the queues on ten of the biggest rides — for an extra £33 per person, you can get on within five minutes.
That does push up the price, of course, so save a bit in return by taking lunch into the park.
Not only is the breakfast buffet at the hotel a generous source of cheese, ham and fresh baguettes, there’s also a lovely shaded picnic area just by the Goudurix roller coaster.
If you wanted to splash out on dinner, the Gallic Feast is a sight to behold.
For £45 (under-17s, £20), there is unlimited evening buffet with wine, beer and soft drinks served in horns (yes, horns), plus songs and dances with all the characters.
Now this place is very, very French.
The plucky little Gaul and his big mate Obelix are national heroes here; sitting somewhere between the Pope and Johnny Hallyday, so it’s fun watching the locals in their element.
What else? Oh, the rides.
There’s a reason thousands of people are prepared to queue up for them every day for up to an hour a time — they are very, very good.
Goudurix; Pegasus Express, Tonnerre de Zeus, the new Toutatis zone . . . all are themed on the ancient world but make no mistake, they are bang up to date where speed is concerned.
There are live shows too, where language doesn’t matter — you are right in the face of the action, be it the new Pirates in Choppy Waters or old favourite, the Divers of Olympus.
Get a seat near the front for this if you like muscly chaps in tight Speedos.
One last thing. Take a spare battery for your phone.
The Filotomatix app will eat through the charge.
Maybe even take a spare phone.
Or just don’t be stupid enough to leave it loose in your pocket while travelling upside down at 100mph.
The Divers of Olympus put on an outstanding live performance
EditorialThe park is dedicated to popular French cartoon character, Asterix the Gaul[/caption]
SYLVAIN_CAMBONParc Asterix satisfied the whole family[/caption]
GO: Parc Asterix
GETTING THERE: Le Shuttle crossings from Folkestone to Calais are from £174 return, with up to eight passsengers.
See leshuttle.com.
STAYING/PLAYING THERE: Two nights’ B&B at the 4H Quais de Lutece is from £212pp, based on a family of four sharing, including park entry.
Park tickets from £44 for adults and £41 for children age three to 11.
Fast track Filotomatix pass from £33.
See parcasterix.fr/en.