YOU’D even back Baldrick to come with a better plan than Cristian Stellini.
Then again, Tottenham fans were the ones demanding a back four.
GettyNewcastle blew Tottenham away with an early five-goal blitz[/caption]
ReutersJacob Murphy got the Magpies off to a flyer before adding a second from long-range[/caption]
AFPJoelinto got his name on the scoresheet as Spurs began to crumble[/caption]
GettyAlexander Isak helped himself to a brace in the rout at St. James’ Park[/caption]
Billed as a battle for the Champions League, Newcastle would have been given a tougher game by local ninth-tier side Heaton Stannington.
Even for shambolic Spurs’ standards, this was a horrifying new low.
Some of their shell-shocked supporters started making the 280-mile trip back home after the Magpies’ third just nine minutes in.
Given how high they are housed in the Leazes End, it would have been 5-0 by the time those on the slow side made it to the bottom.
Eddie Howe’s Mags were exceptional as they took a giant leap towards securing a top-four finish, but they weren’t 5-0 up inside 21 minutes brilliant.
For that to happen you need a willing partner to roll over, and Tottenham were more than happy to oblige.
Starting with a four-man defence for the first time in 15 months, nobody had a clue what they were doing.
Not for the first time, Antonio Conte was proved right about this hopeless rabble. Three, four, or five, it makes no difference when they’re individually as bad as this lot.
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No shape, no urgency and certainly no commitment or fight.
At half-time on Sky, ex-defender Danny Rose – who hasn’t kicked a ball for 16 months – laughed: “All I’ve been thinking all half is how am I unemployed!”
Forget about the Champions League – they are now six points off fourth – there’s a good chance they’ll miss out on Europe altogether now.
Despite not finishing below seventh since 2008/09, nobody who watched this car crash would bet against that happening now.
A broken football club from top to bottom, this will sting for a long time.
For the Geordies, life doesn’t get any better.
Jacob Murphy and Alexander Isak both bagged braces, with the £60million Swede taking his season’s tally to 10 in his 11th start.
Joelinton and Callum Wilson scored the others, leaving Howe’s side third and six points ahead of the chasing pack as they look to seal Champions League football for the first time in 20 years.
Just 59 seconds were on the clock when the rout began.
Joelinton picked it up on the left wing before cutting inside past two hopeless challenges.
GettyHarry Kane pulled one back for Tottenham just after the restart[/caption]
The Brazilian’s low effort was saved by Hugo Lloris but he could only parry to Murphy, who buried into the roof.
Spurs fans immediately started chanting ‘We want Levy out’ – yet it was about to get a whole lot worse for them before long.
Joelinton made it 2-0 six minutes in, darting in off his left wing to pick up Fabian Schar’s raking ball before taking it around Lloris slotting into an empty net.
A great goal but what on earth was right-back Pedro Porro and Cristian Romero doing allowing him in like that?
Next up was Murphy’s second three minutes later, a 25-yard thunderbolt beyond the rooted Lloris.
A brilliant strike leaving the winger genuinely shocked he had it in him but it was woeful from Eric Dier Son Heung-min this time.
The ball into him was poor and the South Korean was weak, allowing Fabian Schar to nick it off him with ease.
By this stage the Spurs players were arguing everywhere you looked.
Interim boss Stellini was ranting and raving, pointing here and there – not that anybody is listening to him anymore.
The North Londoners had never been 3-0 down inside 10 minutes in the Prem before.
The heavens then opened, and it was raining more goals before long.
GettyCallum Wilson added more misery as he grabbed a sixth[/caption]
To be fair to Tottenham, they held on for another 10 minutes before it was four.
Dejan Kulusevski lost on the left of Toon’s box, with Joe Willock driving towards halfway and releasing Isak in behind Eric Dier with a gorgeous pass with the outside of his boot.
The Swede buried into the bottom corner – and he did exactly the same TWO minutes later.
Some neat play down the right had Spurs chasing shadows before Sean Longstaff’s backheel teed Isak up to shoot across the hapless Lloris.
It was about keeping it to single figures now with 70 minutes remaining, so Davinson Sanchez – mercilessly booed by his own fans last week – was on for Pape Sarr to shore things up.
Skipper Lloris was hooked at the break for Fraser Forster and the supporters still inside St James’ celebrated ironically when Harry Kane made it 5-1 in the 49th minute.
Yet any hopes of damage limitation were ruined when sub Callum Wilson diverted Miguel Almiron’s wayward shot home with his first touch, 65 seconds after replacing Isak.