I’m a grief expert and here’s 8 ways to stop grief from ruling your life

Us Brits aren’t known for dealing with grief particularly well – we’re notorious for pretending we’re totally fine.

Meanwhile, in Mexico, the dead are celebrated at Día de los Muertos (Day of the Dead) parties, where everyone dances, eats and tells stories about their lost loved ones. Which sounds healthier to you? 

GettyUs Brits aren’t known for dealing with grief particularly well[/caption]

According to research from the Marie Curie charity, 33% of bereaved Brits avoid talking about a loved one after they’ve died, as they know it would make others feel uncomfortable. Plus, 77% say they felt a pressure to stop grieving in front of people after a certain amount of time. 

But squashing grief and silencing our feelings can prevent us from processing them properly, which can cause its own problems, like insomnia, headaches and social isolation. However, starting a conversation about it isn’t always easy.

“To be able to talk about grief, first we need to have an understanding of what it is and how it can affect us, particularly if we don’t give it our time and attention,” says Lianna Champ, grief and funeral care expert, and author of How To Grieve Like A Champ. Here, she explains all. 

Remember, Grief Is Normal

Grief is the reaction to the loss of someone we love or something we value.

It isn’t just what we experience when someone significant in our life dies – we grieve for so many things, like the breakdown of a relationship, divorce or a job loss.

If we can express our sadness, concerns and fears, then we can begin the process of understanding.

Sharing our emotions can go a long way in reducing the weight and feelings of isolation and desperation that often accompany grief.

Channel Your Inner Child

It’s healthy for us to experience our emotions in the present moment, whether happy, sad, good or bad, and this is what typically happens when we are children.

Then we learn that we shouldn’t burden others with our feelings, especially if we have been repeatedly distracted from our sadness – by sweets or toys, or being told to be a “big” girl or boy.

It gives the message that it’s wrong to talk about how we feel when something makes us sad, and that our feelings of sadness aren’t important.

This then makes us feel awkward in adulthood when life throws challenges at us, but the trick is to override this early learning, and find a way to talk about our sadness. 

How To Make A Difficult Conversation Easier

Opening up to someone can be tricky, especially if you don’t know what to expect from them, or even from your own grief. But try following these simple steps to get started…

Sit with it

If you know that you are carrying sadness or are struggling to cope, it’s a good idea to non-judgmentally be with your feelings in order to find words that you can use to describe them.

Writing them down can make it easier to collect your thoughts before sharing them with others.

Choose a confidante

Pick someone you trust – be it a friend, partner, parent or therapist – who will listen to you and accept your words without trying to justify or take away your pain, or change how you feel.

If someone tries to stop you exploring your feelings before you have processed them, this can have detrimental effects.

Many grievers tend to isolate themselves, as people are so busy trying to “fix” them when all they need is an ear and a safe space to talk. 

Set some ground rules

Outline some listening and talking guidelines so your confidante knows it’s OK if you get upset.

For instance, you could tell them that they don’t need to find answers to how you are feeling. Instead, ask them to just accept whatever you say and offer a hug if you want one. 

Pick your location

Going for a walk with a friend can make a difficult conversation easier than sitting across from one another.

The same goes for taking a drive. Chatting side-by-side can take the pressure off, as you don’t have to worry about eye contact. 

Don’t worry about not making sense

When we are trying to voice our pain, words can escape us – and this is OK.

It can be difficult to find the words that express how we feel – if we even know how we feel – so it doesn’t have to make sense.

You’re releasing thoughts, and the more you do this, the easier it should become.

Pay it forward

We almost always feel better and have a sense of release when we have been able to open our hearts.

By clearing emotions, we can deepen friendships and feel happier. You’ll also become a better listener.

By identifying your needs in times of grief you will be more able to support others in theirs, so make space for people to share their pain with you.

If you have children, let them know that all of their feelings are important. 

Accept the physical symptoms

When we recount a tragic event, our bodies don’t immediately know it isn’t happening for the first time.

Recalling an upsetting moment can be like reliving trauma, which is why we may want to cry or struggle to speak.

The reason you may get pain in your throat is because grief needs to be vocalised.

If it isn’t, we drive the emotions back down, and the more we do this, the harder it is to open up and share our feelings.

Don’t apologise

It isn’t a weakness to say you’re struggling. We never hear anyone apologising for laughing when happy, and it should be the same with sadness. Both emotions are equally important to express. 

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