MATES come in all sorts of flavours.
The work bestie is different from your oldest friend, who you haven’t seen for… wow, has it really been a year?
The Six Besties Theory explains that you don’t need one best friend, but several
The Six Besties Theory that went viral on TikTok saw user Alexandra Hayes Robinson (@Hellohayes) explain that you don’t need one best friend, but several.
For example, you may not call the mate who loves a night out for help in a crisis, but you may lean on the one you know would pull you out of a mess with zero judgement.
“If we have an expectation that one friend is going to be able to do everything for us, we may become disappointed,” says Gillian McMichael, a transformational coach.
“If you learn to understand friends and what they can give you, you can have a reciprocal relationship.”
Do numbers matter?
According to Professor Robin Dunbar, anthropologist and evolutionary psychologist at the University of Oxford, we can realistically maintain 150 connections, but only five people in our inner circle.
“We could call these ‘shoulders to cry on friends’,” says Professor Dunbar.
“They’d drop everything to put you back on your feet when your world falls apart.”
Then you have 15 more people you feel emotionally attached to, and the remaining 130 you’d invite to a big birthday bash or see less frequently – at a wedding, for example.
It’s all about prioritising
“Though it may seem obvious, it’s important to prioritise the friends that mean a lot to you,” suggests life coach Hayley Forbes, who believes friends can fit in more than one box.
Aim to invest time in those who lift you up, not drag you down.
“When you come away from a conversation with someone and you feel better about yourself, those are the type of people you want to surround yourself with, rather than friendships where you connect over gossip or negativity,” says Hayley.
6 Core Friends And How To Manage Them
The Closest Friend
BENEFITS: This friend will be there for you.
They know you and your past, making them great at giving advice.
PAYour closest friendship is similar to a romantic relationship[/caption]
“In depth, it’s similar to a romantic relationship,” says Professor Dunbar.
NEGATIVES: They may be replaced over time, as “closeness” is subjective.
MAINTAIN IT: Make sure your mate knows what they mean to you.
You might not have time for a weekly meet-up, but you can check in regularly.
Try sending them a voice note on your lunch break, or make notes in your calendar when they have a big event coming up, so you can send them some love when they need it.
The Old School Friend
BENEFITS: You bonded over teenage angst and celeb crushes.
When you see them, it’s like nothing has changed.
NEGATIVES: It’s hard to meet up, they may have moved away, or you simply don’t have as much in common any more.
MAINTAIN IT: It’s important not to blame anyone if these friendships go quiet.
“People are like planets,” Hayley explains.
“Sometimes they’ll go out of orbit, they might come back, and they might not.”
Professor Dunbar says that if you’re feeling lonely, reaching out could help.
“They may be in the same boat as you,” he says.
If you relate to something they post on social media, try messaging: “I’d love to catch up.”
The School-Gate Friend
BENEFITS: Your lives are similar, making it easy to chat.
“You’ve got a common goal and potentially similar parental challenges,” says Gillian.
NEGATIVES: “Years down the line, children go their separate ways, and the parents stop seeing each other,” Professor Dunbar says.
MAINTAIN IT: When school drop-off and pick-up is still on the cards, remember to talk about stuff other than your kids.
Beyond school, it’s natural to see this friendship drift.
“But it might survive if you do other activities,” Gillian says.
Ask if they want to join you and your partner on a double date, for example, or on a trip to the pub or a dog walk.
Having an existing plan puts less pressure on them to pick a date and time.
If it’s not reciprocated, accept it and move on.
The Good-Time Friend
BENEFITS: Your partner-in-crime, this friend is always up for dancing or a laugh over cocktails.
NEGATIVES: They might not be interested in having serious conversations.
AlamyYour partner-in-crime, this friend is always up for dancing or a laugh over cocktails[/caption]
“Sometimes you stop getting invited,” says Gillian.
“A lot of women move on from these friendships, when they don’t want to go out drinking.”
MAINTAIN IT: A big night out can still be fun every now and again, but if you want to see your mate without having to do shots, try focusing on your own goals, whether that’s walking more or starting cooking classes.
Tell your friend how much you enjoy these activities and invite them along.
“When you feel happier in yourself, that’s contagious,” says Hayley.
The Work Friend
BENEFITS: Your work bestie may know more about your daily life than your closest friend, or even your partner, as you bond over mutual work grievances.
NEGATIVES: “It can be short-lived, especially if they move jobs,” says Gillian.
“Your interests outside of work may be different.”
MAINTAIN IT: If you do have a shared interest, harness it – for example, sign up to ClassPass to explore new gym classes.
There’s nothing wrong with having a friend you only see at work – it can be great for your work/life balance.
But if you think someone could be a crossover friend, ask them over for dinner.
It doesn’t have to be elaborate – they’ve seen you eat salads out of Tupperware for years, so a bowl of pasta will do!
The New Friend
BENEFITS: New friends can help you grow as a person, offering new perspectives.
You may have more in common with someone you meet now than you did a decade ago.
GettyNew friends can help you grow as a person, offering new perspectives[/caption]
NEGATIVES: You won’t know if they’re worth your time for a while.
MAINTAIN IT: Follow up with a new potential friend.
“I just returned from a retreat and the first thing I did was voice note everybody I connected with and said: ‘It was so cool to meet you, let’s keep in touch,’” says Hayley.
“Friendships will be fostered with some people and not with others.”
Try to not feel awkward about making an effort.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” says Hayley.
“Maybe that person doesn’t have the confidence to text, but messaging them could change both your lives.”
Illustration: Getty Images