BABIES don’t come with a manual, but they do come with lots of advice on how to raise them.
Friends and well-meaning family members are often keen to share their wisdom and you may see conflicting messages on social media too.
The information overload is often overwhelming for new parents.
As new dad Edward van der Lande recalls: “I found it really difficult to know what to do in the early days due to the amount of contradictory advice often aimed at new parents.
“It was really quite overwhelming.
“As the weeks and months passed, I learnt that the best thing to do is to trust your instincts, and work as hard as you can to support your partner and newborn as everyone adapts to the crazy changes parenthood brings.”
Edward, from London, who has two sons, Harry, three, and 14-month-old Jimmy, says: “It took time for me to find my parenting feet but, as the boys turned one, everything started to click.”
Edward: ‘The best thing to do is trust your instincts’
From pregnancy onwards, a baby’s brain is incredibly busy forming a million new connections every second.
Building close relationships at this critical time can help reduce the likelihood of mental health difficulties later in life.
Here we break down some of the most common myths new parents face after having a baby, to help you develop a bond that will last a lifetime:
Myth: You can spoil a baby with too much affection
Babies who are cuddled feel confident you will be there when they need you, so then they don’t feel the need to hold on tightly to you.
Lovingly meeting your baby’s needs helps them to manage their emotions, builds confidence and reduces the risk of future mental health issues.
So be generous with your cuddles and play with your baby – this way they will become more independent.
Joy Lin, 29, from Harlow, Essex, says she was often told she was overly cuddling her baby, Sadie, who is now six months old.
“People would tell me off and say I was making her clingy,” Joy says.
“I made my mind up early: I didn’t want to leave her to cry.
“I wanted to cuddle and play with her as much as possible to make her feel safe.”
Myth: You should leave a baby to cry and they’ll learn to soothe themselves
Babies left to “cry it out” may well stop crying but evidence suggests they may feel distressed if parents don’t respond.
All babies cry at different times and some will do so for longer than others, so it’s important not to compare your baby to somebody else’s.
Emma Rees, 40, from South Wales, is mum to Lucy, one.
“As a new mam there is so much mixed advice,” she says.
“When I was in the trenches of newborn life, I was consuming a lot more social media and it was all telling me what I should be doing: don’t respond to every cry, let her cry overnight so she learns to self-settle, have a set routine.
“Even family members said I was making a rod for my own back by having her in a bedside crib next to me.
“In the end I just followed my instincts and did what felt right, soothing her whenever she cried.
“Now she has just turned one and sleeps through the night, mostly.
“I’m glad I didn’t feel pressured to rush me, or her.”
Emma: ‘As a new mam there is so much mixed advice’
Myth: All babies should sleep through the night
Babies have different sleep patterns to adults and waking up in the night is normal.
Some babies sleep for long stints, others in short bursts.
Responding to their waking with warmth and love is important for parent-child bonding and their development.
You can comfort your baby by rocking, speaking softly or singing to them.
If you’re struggling with sleep, don’t feel you’re alone – you can chat to your health visitor about it.
Myth: You’ll instantly bond with your baby
Some parents might expect an instant magical connection with their baby, but honestly, it’s okay if this doesn’t happen straight away.
It can take time, especially if you’ve had difficult experiences earlier in your life or miscarriages, baby loss or fertility issues.
Also, this may be true if you have mental health difficulties or you’re stressed.
Sometimes, on top of everything else, you just need to recover from the birth yourself.
There are simple things you can do to help build a connection, such as cuddling, skin-to-skin contact, feeding, comforting and playing games like peekaboo. Give it time.
Myth: It’s bad to need a break from your baby
Looking after a baby can be a challenge, especially when you’re tired.
Don’t be afraid to approach others for help – perhaps ask someone to care for them for half an hour and give yourself a break.
This is an opportunity for quality bonding time between your baby and your partner, grandparents or other family and friends.
It also helps your baby to learn you’ll always return after being away.
Carrie Lings, 23, from Manchester, says: “I never wanted to leave my baby at first, even though I was exhausted.
“But when Millie was six months, I realised I had to give myself a break.
“She started spending an afternoon a week with her grandparents.
“I felt so refreshed after a few hours and it was great watching them bond too.
“She is nine months now and they have the best relationship.”
Myth: You should make sad feelings go away
Just like adults, babies should be able to express sadness, discomfort and pain, as well as happiness and excitement.
You should react to their cries with love and reassurance, as this shows them it’s okay to express those emotions.
This can really boost their emotional development as they get older.
Try to mirror your baby’s reactions and emotions, such as smiling back if they have bright eyes, and don’t feel down if they’re feeling tired and fed up – we all do sometimes!
Spilled milk? Often babies cry as a way of communicating with adults
Myth: You’re doing something wrong if your baby cries
Lots of babies cry often and their parents understandably worry about it. But try not to – over time, they should become more settled.
You’re not doing anything wrong and it’s not your fault.
Babies are all different but they do work hard to be understood.
Try to take note of their body language, facial expressions, noises and cries, as these are their ways of telling you what they need.
At first that might seem like a huge challenge, but you’ll be amazed how quickly you learn to understand what their different cries and gestures mean.
Hopefully you’ll feel more confident to trust your instincts.
For more advice on life with your baby, and tips for the toddler years, visit Start for Life
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